[hdwplayer id=3] “Aphasia”
© 2017 Jessica Rose Villanueva Leilah Publications
All rights reserved.
God and Satan – they infused me in their Dimensions.
God and Satan debated who would take my soul one night.
This is what changed my life forever.
I will begin with the phenomenon of my inability to speak or make any sounds at all. This was my second aphasia.
For the entire two months prior to Christmas my voice was taken away from me. After everything I’ve been through, losing the ability to talk and use my voice in an expression of my defense Or other emotions was a perfect form of torture.
Like not being able to tell my baby that I love her so much. Or say anything ay all.
It was the most unfair, frustrating, broken hearted punishment I’ve ever suffered. It was because for a long while I had been talking too much and not listening.
It was karma’s exact punishment. I lost the comfort of hearing my cries. I used to become sick and scared of that sound. I used to make a sickening sound when I was crying out loud.
To miss something this uncomfortable has exhausted my appreciation for silence.
When I was spinning I could never seem the control my loquacity. The irritation was quite beyond annoyance to anyone was around me while I was high. I never shut up. Speaking arrogantly and way to fast. This was no known human language.
This is a big reason why I rarely got high with others. I grew to despise my beliefs and question every word I blabbed. I recommended that everyone who suffered my noise should invest in a gag ball. Hot pink of course with a tight leather strap fastened around my face.
I meant it and I would wear it! Only because I had to be silenced by force. My aphasia taught me what utter loneliness really feels like. I once associated this with being the only one left on earth. Entirely lost. I could not even whisper. Perhaps Not even my breathing could be heard. I went to doctor several times and nothing could be prescribed and there was no diagnosis. I was openly honest about my drug abuse and explained that I believed I was given a toxic mixture of meth to smoke. I was referred to a throat specialist who would perform a vocal cord scrapping to look at the microscopic detail of my throat tissue. The only cure in existence was to go through this fear and to coming out open.
Excitedly I begin to listen to the wisdom from others minds. Such beauty and idiocy and true knowledge did exist in others besides myself. Everyone around me would ask me write down what they could do to help me but by the time I had a chance to express exactly what I needed they would ask another question.
Forgetting my desperate explanation that I was trying to swiftly jot down because I knew exactly what would work.
Not having the human right to answer is unfair. During this time I was in the violent throws of an addiction to my self mutilation.
This time it was in a needle form. My mind now somewhere lost in another dimension. Far from an earth bound reality.
Impossible events begin to occur. It was my goal was to be 60hrs awake. By this time my hallucinations became extraordinarily powerful!
I believed that I could control certain dimensions. I held experiments with telekinesis.
The study of moving solid objects out of sight making them completely vanish. This would really work! I just didn’t know how to control which objects would disappear or when they’d return. However, Always in the exact moment when a thing would go missing, I could know the precise location where it vanished from (like a shelf) n what the object was. At first I didn’t notice this taking place for subtle tings like lighters or pens would move right as I put them down. I would rip the house apart searching every where for it! Then suddenly it would be sitting there as if it never moved at all! A lot of people witnessed this with me! Even straight ones.
Once I begin to document certain patterns, it slightly changed to disappearance but then nothing would return for a month or on a new binge it would return to the spot it left.
I studied transference as well. Others quickly became confused n terrified by this invasion so I tried not to practice this natural phenomenon with them even though it was available. Being my style to stay constantly awake I deprived my subconscious and physical of sleep. This forced my dreams to intertwine with my waking reality.
I would often experience intense vivid dreams while wide awake but most of the time these were nightmares.
I remember one of my most powerful mind altering episodes, hallucination, dream or actual event taking place way too perfectly. I was not alone in this documented phenomenon. On one occurrence there was a witnesses. I had been consuming nothing but straight vodka and tweak for almost ten days by this time severe delirium accompanied by dehydration caused deep cracks in my mind and skin that it would open up wide without any incision. It in was the dead of winter.
Ten days of toxicity and I was driving at about 3am. I kept falling out at the wheel. Every time I did this I woke myself just bfore I crashed the car by the sound of my silent screaming!
So hard in my throat that I tasted blood! I tried to drive faster so I could survive my way back home. Miraculously I made it to my block. Speeding, only two houses away from mine and I crashed into my neighbor’s chain link fence. I crushed it down flat by my car! This loud collision woke me up in my neighbor’s front yard! I was so terrified I fled the scene and hid my car a few blocks away.
The front of my car was scrapped and a headlight was busted out. It didn’t light up. Leaving the car running I ran home and reached my front yard. Every light was on inside and people I didn’t know were everywhere in my house. I could see them all from outside through the huge front window. So I ran to the back door because I was afraid of who they are and why they were in my house! A junkie staying with me was supposed to be there alone. As I approached the rear door window I could see inside and into the doorway of the basement. Out of the dark and up the stairs ran the junky! She reached the top and jumped in fright at the sight of me at the back door looking in. She opened the door for me and said that she heard a loud car crash up the street. She thought it was me and another vehicle. She looked up the street but all was still in the night. She was the only one home.
About an hour later we walked by the yard I hit but the chain link fence was untouched and the lawn had no tire impressions. I started to consider that it was a nightmare or a real bad hallucination. We walked to my car and came to find it still running but no broken headlight or scratched hood. The junkie got inside and stopped the ignition. Now that my proof disappeared I was convinced that it had been a hallucination which I had manifested so potentially that it became semi shared with the junky but not the with the others in this world.
The next entrance into my parallel universe was on a night I honestly trusted that if I fell out I’d die. I could not force myself awake any longer even after the thick dose I had just minutes before injected. When I was fixing in my bathroom I had a rotten syringe contaminated by Hep. C. I carelessly flushed it with bleach but in my haste to chase consciousness, I left a small amount of pure bleach in the rig when I drew up my shot. The needle was so dull it should have broken off inside my vein. Somehow more foreign then the bleach laced chemical intoxicant I injected, this tiny needle was 100% deadly if broken off into my blood stream, it would have followed the dope through my veins causing my demise.
Right after I slammed I dropped some shards into the sink. The dope turned a crimson color n smelled strange. Like the taste when I coughed. I was in my room now I stood alone less then a foot from my bed and I remember praying and desperately summoning any sort of power to will myself safely into bed but I could not. I kept repeating out loud that I was about to get hurt so bad and if I can just make it to any part of my bed or floor I would be safe but I stood frozen with predictions in visions. I saw what was about to happen any second I saw physically bodily intense pain. In my mind I saw myself crash hard backwards into my television and mirror.
Before my vision was over it happened. I did fall down very hard. I suffered a head injury and deep cuts in my back and ass from the glass mirror I shattered with the entire 97 lbs of my dead weight. Naturally this woke me up enough to crawl into bed. I woke up terrified. Covered in dried blood that one couldn’t see because of the black clothing I was wearing. The glass still inside these wounds I failed to prevent by violently falling out this way.
By my mothers prayer my hell dreaming eyes did open again in life. Automatically they focused on the gram of poison on my bedside table just waiting for me to play again. How could my saviors miss this?! My mother and crack whore sister were in my room with me attempting the most pathetic intervention. They threatened to commit me! This was entirely possible considering my ruthless addiction I just as bad flaunted with my arms so bruised infected from often missing my fix. It was only a desperate attempt at forgiving themselves because all my life they felt as though they didn’t protect me, and in denial they knew thy could never protect me from myself! *Looking back at the dangers of going that long and so close to the edge alone all the time. Its is plain to see an attraction that demonic entities had to me. Of course at the time I was oblivious to anything real or comprehensible.*
I used lament in a loneliness despair I could control but I was never alone at all. Statistic and sneaky Silhouettes haunted me so darkly drab. On an unknown level my only defense mechanism was to ignore the coldness coming from inside my body. It was A form of blocking out them in trauma. This only allowed them to drag me down deeper. This was a descent where we meet so they may crawl into my soul coiling there dormant (I always that I was so alone but never once while using they were there the whole time. Now I recognize it without hesitation) I was so accustomed to the unhealthy weight loss that dropping 15lbs in two days way nothing surprising.
Do not forget the fact that during it all I had no voice! Everyone would try to help me and ask me what they could do for me but by the time I had a chance to write down exactly what I needed, they would ask another question. Sometimes they started yelling at me because I could not cry anymore and I needed to purge my emotions. My gestures and animated facial expressions in agony and torment became offensive and to terrifying for them to take so I walked away alone. I wanted to find my friend of despair because she was my heroine; she embraced her adictions and excepted that it woiuld never change.She had thrown in her towel with her acknowledgment of God. Lost but surviving. I found her and we walked to a house that my angel was living in. He was not home but just moments after I left he showed up. Just missing each other.
Snow was falling softly on Christmas Eve and twilight was setting in. I ended up right back at home and before I went inside I looked around and noticed cars and human activity outside. Families were celebrating Christmas Eve. Once I closed the door I instantly felt two extreme changes in my atmosphere. The first I will describe because it was entirely foreign to me. It was a pure and utter evil surrounding me. Not the usual familiar evil presence I always felt around since I started using. That presence was only some extension of an evil demonic entity. The energy and vibes that were with me now was an entirely new kind of fear, like Satan carries, and it brought with it a confirmation of my death.
This fowl force was here to take me to hell. Every fiber of my being knew that I was going to die by Satan’s will violently…right now! I felt a freezing cold again coming from inside of my body and nothing could make me warm. My soul was freezing. In unison with this morbidity came a divinity. I know this grace has always been inside of me since my creation and now was revealing it’s ghostly presence stronger then ever before. I felt like myself. I felt that the Holy Ghost understood and was perfectly familiar to my own soul all of my life. This was proof that God surrounded me now! In one quick thought I knew that God is my heart and always has been.
Time slipped away. I was no longer existing with the rest of human life. Outside it was almost pitch dark. Dim street lights flickered but not people. There was a battle taking place. God and Satan were in a fierce pesronal debate over who gets to take me soul with them upon my death. My entire life and everything I have ever done was being weighed considered and judged. The only thing that was true was that I was going to die no matter what. This encounter did exist in time. It never changed outside and everyone disappeared.
I quickly became guilty when a rip in the fabric of life revealed to me God and Satan’s conversation. It looked a bit like two ethereal figures playing chess. I tried to object. I tried to speak on my behalf. Give them excuses, but I was unnoticed. The whole time I was psychologically aware of this event but evry so often, I would glimpse a second of their ethereal shapes. More often I would overhear their discussion on my whole life, even my subconscious! I lost track of time before this debate’s conclusion. Unexplainable triviality occurred. I felt a strong life or death need to document exact words used by God and Satan, if I happened to overhear them, but not a single thing to write with could be found! My family removed everything thing inside for paraphernalia purposes. No lead in pencils. There was not a single thing to write on.
I was so sad and badly needed to say goodbye so I focused most of my remaining time on summoning loved ones with my mind. I locked myself in meditation. As I was in a state of self hypnosis, the phone rang! It was someone still living! I was not forgotten. When I picked up the receiver it was a person who I was not right with. I managed to utter a shaky wail. This infuriated the caller, and the line dropped. Memories eased my awareness falling into sleep. I thought I would have a painless death, agreed by God and Satan, but only to pass this body and enter damnation. I did not dream. Two days after the great debate between God and Satan over the fate of my soul, I awoke alone but my soul just felt relieved.
I understood that my life was stiill at it’s lowest and I was still sick with poisonous addiction, yet now I had a plan and it was like I was fixing someone else’s problem. Constructed inside of me now was a change of soul. I had solutions! I had honest faith in my recovery. God has a perfect design for my life. Perhaps prior to this alteration my soul was damned in innocence. The old violence cursed my entire life until this moment of forgiveness. I was Existing in a totally tormented reality. My childhood purity lost. My eyes opened up disgustingly. I still had no voice. My heart and soul deeply cracked in pain, and then in a flood of relief. I was alive.